Khatron Ke Khiladi 11’s Nikki Tamboli pens emotional note remembering brother: ‘Never felt such a dark, sad feeling’

Bigg Boss 13 finalist Nikki Tamboli, who flew off to Cape Town to participate in Khatron Ke Khiladi 11, is still grieving the loss of her brother Jatin. The actor had recently slammed trolls for commenting on her participation in the reality show just days after his death. Taking to Instagram, Nikki has now shared an emotional note remembering her brother and her mental status at the moment.

Sharing that she has been sobbing to sleep every night, Nikki Tamboli mentioned that her mind is yet to accept the loss. Stating that since she has always looked after him, apart from being a sister, she also felt like a mother for him. The actor added that everything is too hard and each day she feels it’s getting difficult to love.

“I miss my brother so much and I am sobbing myself to sleep almost every night. few people whom I know tell me that it was his time to go and I should be glad he’s not in emotional pain anymore and not sick anymore and that I have to let him go but my mind doesn’t want to accept that. I just want to be able to talk to my brother and when I say this to my friends they say me that I still can, but it’s not the same They are just not understanding or listening to how I am feeling. I knew my brother my whole life, we were very close and we always protected each other from the other family members and I had to look after him for most of his life even when I wasn’t around him. I kind of felt like my brother’s sister and mum. My mum & father just keeps saying I am the strong one in the family and she could have never gone through my and she expects me to be doing ok now and feeling strong now. I don’t feel strong at all now. I feel like everything is too hard and I just feel each day is difficult to live . I haven’t accepted my brother’s death,” wrote Nikki.

Opening up further about her emotions, the actor shared that there have been people around her who have been not supportive, and never understood her situation. While she has been advised to ‘stop grieving’, the actor said that she can never stop but it might make her feel differently. Sharing that even when her brother ‘wouldn’t have liked seeing her upset’, she feels guilty and doesn’t have strength to carry on. Nikki also added that she doesn’t know where can she find her answers.

Nikki Tamboli also mentioned that while she laughs and sits with people trying to be normal, there are unanswered questions in her mind that disturb her. Hinting about depression, the former Bigg Boss contestant mentioned that the pain is too hard to deal with and never understood. She added that she cannot escape it no matter how hard she tries.

Read Nikki’s note here:

“I feel such a deep, dark pit of sadness has overcome my whole being and I am totally drowning in it. I feel like a piece of the Earth has disappeared and a part of me died with my brother. Some days, like today, I just can’t see the point of me being alive or any reason for my life to go on. I don’t feel like I can take this intense sadness… Some people tell me it will get more manageable, some are getting impatient and one even asked me when I am going to get on with my life and stop grieving, which I think is totally crap and unsupportive.

It’s been less than 10 days and I don’t think I will ever “stop grieving”. I just think it will change how it makes me feel later. I wish I knew what to do to make it feel more bearable now  I feel totally lost and never felt such a dark, sad feeling. People tell me I have to be strong for my family. I have to be strong for my brother because he wouldn’t want to see me so upset. That just makes me feel guilty for feeling how I am feeling and I don’t feel like I have any strength left in me  I don’t know where to turn to find the answers .”

Earlier, giving details about her brother’s illness, Nikki had shared on her Instagram story that he got got admitted in hospital after his lungs collapsed. Jatin Tamboli, who has been facing multiple health issues over the years, was surviving on one lung. He later “tested positive for tuberculosis and covid in hospital. He also got pneumonia and today morning morning his heart stopped beating and responding,” she added. The actor had said that God has been kind to the family and saved her brother a number of times. Thanking everyone who prayed for her brother, Nikki added that her brother was tired of hospital and is now in a ‘better place and in the better hands. God shall take care of him’.

Nikki Tamboli is presently shooting for Khatron Ke Khiladi 11, which also has features Divyanka Tripathi, Arjun Bijlani, Nikki Tamboli, Vishal Aditya Singh, Aastha Gill, Sana Makbul, Anushka Sen, Shweta Tiwari, Mahekk Chahal, Rahul Vaidya, Abhinav Shukla, Varun Sood and Sourabh Raj Jain as contestants.